


Behind His Mask

by False_Ginger



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Child Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 17:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7540996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/False_Ginger/pseuds/False_Ginger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>William has been in a relationship with Ronald for several years, and he feels he's finally ready to share with the blonde how his human life ended. Ronald quickly learns that William's stoic mask is but a facade for deeply rooted insecurities. His traumatic experiences when he was a young man shaped him into the cold and stern reaper he is now. Still, his past haunts him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind His Mask

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this head canon for some time now, so it made sense to finally write it all down. While it was a little painful to have to write one of my all-time favorite characters in such a sad way, to me it helps to understand just why William seems so cold and detached in the manga and anime. Still, this is only a head canon. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Kuro and all its lovely characters belong to Yana Toboso.

The misty draft from the open bedroom window was chilling, but from their haven deep within the sheets, the couple was warm. Ronald gazed up at the man he adored, watching with unrivaled attention as his lover reached his climax. That typically stoic face broke into a most savory expression, and Ronald ate it up as if it were a rare sweet. 

As William dismounted from the blonde, a touch of his essence smeared against Ronald’s lower stomach. Ronald reached below the covers to wipe off the white liquid, and he held up his hand to examine the semen in the moonlight. 

“Your cum is so thick, Will,” he said without a shred of shame, spreading his fingers to watch the goo web across his hand. He smirked to himself. Without really thinking, Ronald continued speaking. “I bet you could knock up a lady in one go.”

Ronald saw William’s brow twitch ever-so-slightly. The blonde wondered if he’d triggered a bad memory. “Did I say something I shouldna?” Ronald cleaned his fingers by wiping them on his own boxers before turning over to William. Silence filled the room for a short while.

“You’ve been very generous with me, Ronald,” was all William said at first, and the blonde was puzzled at his ambiguity. 

“Don’t know what you mean, love.” 

“You’ve shared your past with me,” William said, a sigh then escaping his thin lips. “Your human past. I’ve not returned that courtesy.” 

Ronald had heard modest snippets of William’s past in day-to-day conversation, but nothing that revealed what he’d concluded was a haunted history. 

“Nah, nah, you don’t need to tell me anything. That’s your own private business, and I gather it’s pretty painful. No sense uprooting sensitive shit.” As if to prove it was alright, Ronald leaned in to kiss William’s pale, angular cheek. 

“Are you at all curious?” William asked in a softer voice. The man was staring toward the ceiling. 

“Well, hell yeah, but I don’t want you to if you’re not ready for it. I told you my story because I wanted you to hear it. I think I’d simply reached a point of accepting the past as it was, and I wanted to get it off my chest to prove to myself I’d really moved on.” 

“I see.” William’s voice trailed into a murmur. 

Ronald reached up to comb a hand through William’s dark hair. The latter’s piercing emerald eyes flickered to meet his lover’s as the gesture was made. Ronald merely smiled as he met those cold eyes unabashedly. 

“Let’s go to sleep, eh? You have that bloody meeting tomorrow morning, right?” 

“Ronald,” William said with an edge of determination, “if you’ll permit me, I’d like to share with you my shame.” 

Ronald’s breath caught in his chest as if it were a caged bird, and his smile deflated instantly. He wasn’t expecting anything, what with how tight William seemed to try and keep his history, and he certainly wasn’t expecting something so deep as his most regretful moments. 

“Uh, I mean—not if you’re not ready to.” He knew he was mumbling like a fool, but he was truly taken aback. “I really don’t feel like it’s my place, boss.”   
Ronald was about to lie on his back, when William lashed out and grasped the blonde’s chin deftly. He guided him slowly to look him in the eye. 

“You’ve allowed me that precious window to your human life, and I was so greatly honored. I want you to know me wholly as well. As my love, you deserve such reciprocation.” Knowing he’d been speaking in a rather sharp manner, William brushed his thumb gently against Ronald’s cheek before releasing the younger man’s chin.

“Okay,” Ronald said simply. He was still in a state of shock. 

“Seeing as I’m rather tired, I’ll skip to the point at which my life was nearly over. I’ll fancy to bore you with my mundane life at a later time.” 

“Whatever you want to say, Will,” Ronald said, feeling rather sheepish. He nestled close to William’s side and slung an arm over his broad chest. 

“I spent the first few years of my life in Germany, where my mother had been from. Her marriage to my father was a business venture for our architecture company. We merged with my grandfather’s branch in Germany though their matrimony, though there was not a hint of love in the relationship. I learned this quickly when I was a boy.  
“I clung to my mother heavily all throughout my childhood, as she was a wise and gentle woman, and my father was controlling and superficial. I’d come to believe that he knew not what the meaning of love was, and so he raised me by less nurturing means. If I didn’t live up to his impossible expectations, beatings were to be expected, as was an onslaught of insults. It had become natural to me. Of course my mother would attempt to defend me, but my father would have none of it.”

Ronald held his tongue. He’d thought William was going to start toward the end of his life, but perhaps this was crucial information to understanding what drove him to that point. He already had an uneasy feeling about him.

“My father was disgusted that I preferred activities such as cooking and learning music to playing sports, so the slights began when I was very young. I was made to feel as though I wasn’t good enough, and that I was a disappointment to my entire family. He often labeled me as ‘girlish’ and ‘stupid.’ 

“Before me, my mother had borne three daughters, but women hadn’t much privilege at that time, so much pressure was put on the only son. I was expected to inherit the family business when I came of age, and so I needed to be perfect. When I was six or seven years old, we moved to London, where my father had been raised. Here, his dominance over me grew stronger.

“I’d grown up speaking German with my mother and sisters, but when we moved to Britain, I was no longer permitted to speak my native tongue. My father would punish me each time I slipped into speaking German. This could be anything, given the time of day and what my father had at hand. If it was a small slip, it would be an insult or a smack at the back of my head. If I was bolder in retaliation, I could receive a lashing with his belt or even denial of food. I was refused meals quite often, and so I became a thin boy. Then, my father would berate me for being weak, as if he didn’t believe my condition had been inflicted because of his doing.”

Ronald didn’t dare move a muscle. His own upbringing seemed like heaven compared to what he was hearing about William, and he hadn’t even had a father. 

“Will, I’m so sorry…” 

“There is no need for that. The past is set, and there is naught we can do to change it.”

He shifted so that he was embracing Ronald. He was feeling more confident in his speaking, even though he knew it was more than he’d expected to share with the blonde. As he continued, it felt as though more and more stones were being overturned, more pieces to his puzzle that he’d forgotten about. He couldn’t help it all from pouring forth. 

“Now then, to when I became an adolescent… I still spoke German to my mother in private, but slowly I could tell the language was slipping from my grasp. I grew more timid with time, for my father’s beatings became more severe. I tried to keep my mother from harm’s way as best I could, so I felt speaking with her in German put her at risk of meeting my father’s wrath. My sisters were my dearest confidants second only to my mother, and each of them pitied me as greatly as I pitied myself.   
“My eldest sister, Tilde, was a beauty of a woman, tall and slender with thick cocoa brown hair. She was mature, and she conformed well to the strict social rules of the time. She made an excellent bride, and she was married off quickly to a man of my father’s choosing. My next oldest sister, Constance, was a nervous thing, and she was often inclined to eat her worries away. I think she was self-conscious around her lovelier sisters. Still, she also was married at a tender age to a man she hardly knew. My youngest sister was Victoria, barely a year older than myself, and she was my dearest friend. We spent hours together each day, and I felt I could be myself around her completely. She wasn’t necessarily beautiful in the traditional sense, but I felt she’d the loveliest eyes of anyone I knew. She tried to rebel against women’s restrictions, though my father eventually broke her daring spirit, just as he broke mine. At least on the surface, she did as was expected of her, but I knew there was still a spitfire beneath her taffeta tomb. 

“She was the first to wonder if I wasn’t interested in women. She caught me one day staring at man during some outing in the city, and made a snide remark about me wanting to remove his trousers. I brushed her comment off as bullocks, but the thought stuck with me from then on. It was a terrifying prospect back then, as I’m sure you know, to be caught engaging in any romantic activity with someone of the same sex. Such frivolity screamed danger, and I knew my father would sooner kill me than accept such a thing. I bottled my true self up for as long as I could manage. 

“As soon as I grew into my teenage years, I’d started learning the business end of architecture and contracting. I spent hours each day with my father, obediently doing just as he said. He never praised me, but we’d come to a point at which his beatings grew fewer and farther in between. 

“With my age came marriage proposals, and my father began arranging courtship meetings unbeknownst to me. I recall my first courtship very well. I was introduced to a darling young woman named Amelia. She’d a plump bosom and blonde ringlets of hair that drove the men in the community mad with lust. She fancied me fiercely, though of the course the basis of our relationship was to be for the business gain of our fathers. She was a wild girl, and as soon as we had the opportunity to be alone, she presumed to bed me.” 

Ronald’s eyebrows rose, and a broad grin split his face. He nearly forgot what they were talking about. 

“Did you bang her, then?” he asked childishly, and even William smiled at bit in reply. 

“I did, even though we were not to sleep together until marriage. At that point, my sexual urges had come to a head, and I longed for any sort of release I could find beyond my own hand. She was warm and she was soft, but the moment I found myself within her, I was repulsed by her. After that night, I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing her ever again.”

“That couldn’t have gone over well with your father,” Ronald said, burrowing his head into the crook of William’s neck. He gave a quiet yawn. 

“It certainly did not. He was livid, but when I threatened to make a fuss in front of Amelia’s father over the matter, he bowed to my will. Keeping face was my father’s greatest obsession, and it was then that I understood his weakness. Still, he tried to force women onto me a dozen times or more. There came a point when I told him I wasn’t ready for marriage and only wished to focus on my work. He accepted that for a short time, though his newfound patience for me was wearing thin again. 

“I utterly hated the thought of having to marry. Finally, I realized Victoria’s cunning speculation had been correct. I was intrigued by men. I confessed to her almost immediately after this epiphany, and while she wasn’t jumping for joy, she promised to support me. She was well aware of the dangers of homosexuality, too, and she made me vow not to tell anyone else. However, she was who introduced me to my first true lover, whom she’d heard through the grapevine was also homosexual. His name was Gregory Whittle, a fidgety and scrawny young man. He seemed to be constantly trembling anywhere but the bedroom, and after a few months of seeing one another in secret, he felt the risk of our relationship was too much to bear. He never spoke to me again, and I was crushed. I felt I’d finally found myself with him, and then it was all taken away. At the time, intimacy with Gregory was the only thing I truly took pleasure in. 

“I felt lost for a long while after that ordeal, and I became wrought with withdrawal from sexual release. I grew short with my family, which included my father, and the beatings resumed. This was infinitely more embarrassing now that I was practically an adult, and I learned to loathe my father all the more. I found ways to cleverly conceal all of the bruises and marks so that they wouldn’t be seen under typical clothing, however. It would damage my family’s reputation for the public to know my father was abusive, and I didn’t want such rumors tormenting my mother’s social standing. She was already distressed enough what with my father’s verbal abuse and seeing my tortured so often.”

“You really loved her,” Ronald said, breaking William from an apparent daze. He’d lost himself in his own story.

“Indeed I did. And she, too, soon found out about my longing for men. While I could plainly see that same fear in her eyes when I told her, she wanted me to be truly happy. She played a crucial part in postponing any marriage, convincing my father that I wasn’t mature enough to wed just yet. It was the most she could do for me, and it was enough. 

“I met my second lover by happenstance. I had been spending a day in London alone as a sort of escape from my father, and I believe I’d been in a pub when I was caught staring at a young man’s rear end. I was so frightened that I’d been caught that I could hardly breathe, though I distinctly remember him smiling at me. His name was Allister Abernathy, and he was an impossibly handsome man. He worked as an apprentice to the local blacksmith, but he looked as though he could have been a nobleman’s son by how clean-cut and suave he looked. We talked for a long while that afternoon, and I discovered in soft whispering that he had the same preference as I did. He bid me to meet him that night on the corner of that pub so that we could find somewhere more private together. Eager as I was, I couldn’t deny his offer. From that evening on, we remained lovers for months.”

“Come on, Will. You totally skipped over the sexy part. What was he like in the sack?” Ronald squeezed William’s arm as if to urge him on. He was suddenly feeling rather horny again. 

“Well of course he was wonderful. He relit my passion for life in more ways than one, and we reconfirmed our ‘passion’ for one another nearly every night of the week. Not only that, but we could talk for hours and never run out of words. He’d see my bruises from my father and grow so incredibly angry that he dared touch me. He had a strong will to protect me, and for the first time in my life, I truly felt secure. I grew to love the man quickly, though as time passed, I grew too comfortable with our relationship, and my father was growing suspicious. One evening, he asked me where I was going each night, and I simply told him I was going to meet some mates at a pub nearby. He asked the name of the pub, the name of the mates, and every little detail in between before he released me, then. Still, I smugly felt I had finally found my way around his domineering presence. Weeks after this confrontation, I was to discover that this wasn’t true. 

“One night, when I walked to the place I typically met Allister, I noticed a man dressed in dark garb had been following me for some time. I managed to lose him by a complicated weave of twists and turns, but I was rattled. I told Allister I didn’t want to spend time with him that evening. Really, though, I feared our safety.

“The next night, I met Allister only for a drink in the pub, and I tried to explain the odd occurrence of the previous evening. He only laughed and told me I was being paranoid. We were both young and foolish, but I was growing wiser to the lurking danger. He was not. I should have listened to my gut instead of his confident reassurance, but I loved him deeply enough to take his word as the utmost truth. We then stole away to our usual lovemaking site, the backroom of the blacksmith shop. It was always closed when we met, and Allister was sure to lock the doors for our privacy. That night, though, he hadn’t taken into account the open window. In the middle of our passion, I glanced up to find a man staring at us through said window intently. I remember the feeling of the blood freezing in my veins as his shadow instantly lurched away into the night. 

“I was certain we’d been caught, but Allister only laughed and did his best to calm me. Again he blamed me for being too paranoid. We finished despite my reluctance, and he sent me home. The whole walk, I was an anxious wreck, checking over my shoulders and thinking that every person I came across was out to attack me. When I returned home, my father greeted me with a chilling smile, and not a single word. I couldn’t sleep at all for days. I knew he was aware of my sneaking about, so I stayed away from Allister. Unfortunately, that didn’t keep him from me. 

“He was even so brazen as to greet me at my own home once, claiming to be one of my mates, but my father knew better. Unbeknownst to us, he’d hired men to follow us and witness our sinning. Those same men seized my lover than night, beating him mercilessly and warning him to never meet me again. If he did, they would kill him.”

William closed his eyes for a moment and knit his brow. He’d hoped such memories would still have such a vast affect on him, but they did. He could still feel his chest tighten at the pain of them. 

Ronald didn’t say a word, only stroking William’s ivory-colored chest soothingly with one hand. He had a bad feeling in his gut as to where the story was going. 

“Of course I was confronted by my father eventually, but instead of beating me, instead he presented me with another potential bride. It wasn’t so much an offer as it was an ultimatum. I could marry this woman, or Allister would be murdered. I accepted hesitantly. 

“Feeling utterly ill with how our relationship had ended up, I procured the address of the blacksmith and began to write to Allister there, making sure not to include any intimate implications until I knew it was safe to do so. I warned him to stay away, begged him, but when I told him I was to marry under my father’s orders, he grew furious. We arranged to run away together to the countryside and live in peace at his family’s house, who miraculously were accepting of his ways. So swept up in the fantasy, I left a letter containing our plans on my dresser instead of destroying it.”

“Your father found it,” Ronald said. His stomach turned at the intensity of it all, and for once, he felt he could really feel William’s pain. 

Instead of replying, William simply nodded. In the dim rays of moonlight, William’s eyes shone with a glint of deep and vast regret. 

“Allister’s throat was slit two nights later, after he’d been dragged to the riverside in the wee hours of morning. The letter my father confiscated was drenched in his blood before weights were shackled to Allister’s ankles and he was thrown to the Thames. The letter reappeared on my dresser the morning after, and I knew what had been done. I came to learn details later, but at that time, I only knew he’d been killed. He’d no family in London, and he was but a lowly blacksmith’s apprentice, so there was little research done regarding his disappearance. It was a crime a child could have gotten away with, and I think my father was proud of himself for it.”

Silence filled the bedroom for a time. Ronald grew more worried as time passed, hoping he hadn’t plunged William into depression with his curiosity. He wished by then that William had simply gone to sleep. They were having such a nice evening together until then. 

“Will, let’s go to sleep,” Ronald said, coaxing the sheets farther up their bodies. “You can tell me the rest some other day.” 

“No,” William said instantly. Even though he was fighting back a rare lump in his throat, he felt that in a way, it was good for him to talk about what had happened. And he wanted Ronald to know. 

“Please allow me to continue.” 

Ronald wasn’t about to argue with him, so he just remained quiet. He bit his lip nervously, though. 

“Obviously, I was beyond heartbroken,” William continued bravely. “He had been the only man I’d ever loved, my only real joy in life, and he was taken from me in a single night. Numb and tired, I agreed to marry that woman. Her name was Alice, an unremarkable creature with a mousy face and demure demeanor. She was giddy at the news, making a series of promises to me that she would be the best wife that she could. I couldn’t even feign a smile for her. We were married within a month’s time. 

“I avoided her like the plague on our wedding night, and from then on, the awkward tension in our relationship only grew. She would gently inquire each night in our bed if I was ready to consummate our marriage. She tried to tempt with with bared skin and the vow she was still a virgin, but I refused her time and time again. The thought of touching another as I’d touched Allister sickened me. I kept this up for nearly eight months. 

“I worked half-heartedly at the company each day, then I’d come home to a decent meal, and then each night she would prod at me for intimacy. I think my moral compass began to decay little by little until it finally shattered. One night, as she asked me for the umpteenth time to fill her with a child, I snapped at her. I remember shouting hateful things at her, and her recoiling into a corner of our bedroom. I tore her nightgown from her body, bent her over our bed, and took advantage of her out of spite. I was far too rough, and she bled profusely. She cried for me to stop, but I continued until I was completely finished. After that, I beat her until bruises marred her milky skin all over, and she cried herself to sleep, I believe. I, too, must have been in tears, for I hated how like my father I had been in that short period of time. It made me realize that his monstrous behavior was engrained into my being, and that I could never fully escape him. My life was being lived to please that heartless and loathsome man. I was but a pawn in his game, and that was all I would ever be. 

“From then on, my wife and I hardly spoke. She grew to hate me. Yet, in that single night, I’d managed to impregnate her. I feared that child with all my heart, though. I could barely stand to look at my reflection in a mirror after I abused my wife, let alone look into the face of my offspring, the continuing legacy of my father. More so, I didn’t want to behave as my father. After what I’d done, I didn’t trust myself not to be just as abusive, just as cruel, just as constricting. My will to live vanished gradually, until I felt I had nothing more to contribute to the world. One night, I decided to end my life. It was quick, it was virtually painless, and there was no chance of my survival.”

William fell silent then, not bothering to mention how or where he’d committed suicide, but Ronald felt he’d heard enough. Those details didn’t matter by then. There were only trifles. 

The blonde lifted his head to look into his lover’s eyes, and he was astounded to see tears rolling down his face. There was such a great pain in those eyes that Ronald’s began to water as well. He was stunned beyond belief. 

For once in William’s entire existence, he was expressing his true agony, and someone else could fully understand what he’d been through. It was a cathartic moment, to say in the very least. 

“Now,” William said at last, and with a strain in his deep voice, “I know just how selfish I was. Of course I wouldn’t have been like my father. My mother had taught me tenderness and patience, two things my father had never learned. I could have been an excellent father, though instead, I deprived my child of a father figure in her life. I wasn’t even there to witness the birth of my own child, Ronald. While I am loath to admit it, I am really nothing more than a coward.”

“Her?” Ronald asked, and William furrowed his brow. 

“What?”

“You said ‘her.’ How do you know the kid was a girl?” 

“After I had been reanimated as a reaper, I eventually gained the gumption to search for my child. It is frowned upon by company policy to attempt to reconnect with one’s family in the human world, but I needed at least that bit of closure. Through covert research, I was able to locate my child, a beautiful little girl who’d been named Anna.”

“Anna Spears,” Ronald echoed quietly.

“Yes. At the time I found her, she was only four years old. Her hair was dark, just as mine, and she bore many other attributes that mirrored me. I’d never been so bold as to speak to her, as that would have led to nothing more than unnecessary confusion, but now and again, I would take great pleasure in seeing how she turned out.”

The smallest of smiles graced William’s lips. 

“I could take absolutely no credit for the woman she became, though I dearly wish I could have. She was a clever and giving woman who devoted her life to medical science. She passed at a ripe age, and her research has provided modern scientists to valuable keys in further discovery. She married and had three children, if I remember correctly. It was a happy marriage, and the children all thrived. Truly, I could not be prouder.”

His smile slowly faded, but the feeling of bittersweet happiness lingered within him. 

“It is rather odd to be alive after my daughter has already crossed over, Ronald. It is a bizarre sort of limbo we find ourselves in.”

“Yeah, ain’t that the truth,” Ronald snorted. “But Will, thank you for telling me all that. You didn’t need to.”

“You think of me differently, though, don’t you?” It was a question, but it was spoken more as a blunt statement. 

“A little, but not in a bad sense. I only feel like I can finally understand you better, and even though you had a rough life, I’m really glad you decided to share it with me. I don’t think you’re a coward, Will. You’ve been through a lot, and you faced it as best you could. Not everyone would have lasted as long as you had, mostly because almost everyone hasn’t suffered as much as you have. I only hope I can bring you as much happiness as you’ve brought me over these few years we’ve been together.” 

William turned to Ronald and offered his typically stiff smile—the best he could give—and he kissed the younger man firmly. Simple though the gesture was, Ronald could feel a great deal of passion being displayed through it. 

“I regretted my decision to end my life for decades, Ronald. Now, however, I feel quite the opposite. Though our history together hasn’t been long, I’ve never been attached so deeply to another being. I find it ironic that this existence of punishment has brought to me the greatest happiness I’ve ever experienced.”

“We weren’t even alive in the same lifetime,” Ronald said, laughing, “but death brought us together.” Again, they connected their lips in a fiery kiss. 

“Thank you for being so willing to cope with me, Ronald,” William said against the blonde’s lips. “I know I can be rather difficult.” 

Ronald just laughed in response. “That was random, love, and totally untrue. I’m the one who mixes the whites with the colors in the laundry, and leaves food laying around, and is horny all the time. I’d say I’m more of a pain in the ass.” 

The two chuckled softly together for a few moments, before Ronald felt one of William’s cool hands trailing along his upper thigh. 

“Now then, I already know I’m going to be tired in the morning, so why don’t we enjoy ourselves once more before sleeping?” 

Ronald’s eyes widened with pure excitement. 

“Again? I’m not gonna complain!” 

He was honestly surprised that William was so willing right after pouring his heart out, but he wouldn’t question it for a second. Maybe the man needed a little further distraction to ease back into a calm state of mind, and Ronald was happy to provide that for him. 

“Better make up for all those years of gloom, huh?” Ronald asked with a saucy wink.

He straddled William’s waist and stared down at him friskily. 

“I’d love to help you make some happy memories,” Ronald said. 

“Excellent, and we’ve centuries together to do so.”


End file.
